And I Swear
by jesrod82
Summary: When Ron's vulgar language goes too far will he be willing to give it up in order to have a happy wife? Will it help their marriage, or will it backfire? COMPLETE! *Winner of Best Comedy in the 2012 Romione Awards on Tumblr!*
1. Chapter 1

I wanted to write a one-shot, and racked my brain on what it should be about. I thought "Well, Ron is always known for being blunt and funny…oh and swearing…a lot. What if…" And it went from there. I don't want to spoil the rest.

If it seems really silly and over the top, then I did something right. This is meant to be funny. Note the humor/romance genres I chose. I do have two types of lemons in this story. One you will find in this chapter and the other one (of the more smutty variety), will be in the next chapter. You have been warned!

**And I Swear**

Part 1 of 2

When you're in love the word sacrifice takes on a whole new meaning. Sacrifice means you give something of yourself for the greater good. The greater good, in this case, being the sake of the relationship you are in with your significant other. Not just any relationship is worthy of sacrifice, mind you. I'm talking about your one true love. Your heart, soul, and reason for fucking living. I know that Hermione is the only one who has ever, and will ever complete me so…completely.

Hermione is amazingly smart; the cleverest person anyone I know has ever known, and uses her intellect to solve the world's dilemmas and arithmancy problems. Whereas I use my brains for practical things, such as finding the baddies and remembering where I hid my chocolate frog stash (which changes weekly since Hermione always bloody finds them and chucks them out, stating how bad they are for my teeth.), and also for thinking of ways to steer any alone time with her towards shagging. See, my brain is dead useful when I want it to be.

She's also incredibly kind; a virtue that she has unwittingly passed onto me. I used to be an arsehole. Alright, I still am at times, but since meeting her she's sort of leveled me out a bit. Where I lack in brains and tact, she makes up for with intellect and etiquette.

But, do I complete her, you're asking? Well, I damn well hope so! The bird married me for fuck's sake. She says it was my 'passion for life', my 'humor', and the way I 'look into her soul' or some rubbish that made her fall in love with me. I tell her it's my wit and charm that fooled her…and because I'm bloody fantastic in bed. She scoffs at me, of course, but she can't deny it. I'm there with her when she's screaming out from under me, yelling things like 'You're a god, Ron!', and my personal favorite, 'My fucking king! Fuck me!'

Yes, Hermione Granger _swears_ while she shags. I know, I was shocked, too, the first time, but what can I say? I know that girl inside and out. I can make her scream in ecstasy and in anger. It's a gift. The point is that she loves me for the mind blowing fuck sessions, but says it's my heart she sticks around for. Sure, Hermione.

Anyway, I was talking about sacrifice. I am about to do something that will make Hermione incredibly happy, but might make me go mad.

It all started when we were visiting her parents' home on a Sunday afternoon. We had just finished eating lunch and were sitting outside on their terrace drinking her mum's delicious as hell lemonade.

"Mum, this lemonade is delicious, as always," Hermione said, smacking her lips together.

It was hot as all fuck that day, being the middle of July, and I couldn't help but comment on it. "It's hot as bollocks out here," I said, pinching the front of my shirt away from me in order to get some non-existent breeze between my skin and my sweaty t-shirt. The Grangers have air conditioning inside their home. The best, most brilliant invention ever known to muggle kind, and we're sitting out here baking in the fucking sun.

"Ron!" Hermione scolded me from her whickered seat next to me.

"What?" I said, "It is, isn't it Hugo?" I looked up at Hermione's dad who just came out of the house with a plate full of scones. Her dad makes the best scones.

"Too right you are, Ron," he said with a chuckle and sat down with us and her mum, Luann. I smiled smugly at Hermione who wasn't too pleased.

"Well, you don't have to be so…verbal about it." Hermione said and reached out to pluck a scone from the plate and bit into it. I could be wrong, but I swear she was imagining the bit in her mouth was my own head. The fact that she was now chewing it like a piece of meat was another clue.

"Sorry," I mumbled, not wanting an argument. I took a deep breath and ducked into the neck hole of my shirt, blowing inside of it. I was hoping to create my own wind, but all I succeeded in was making me look like a bloody beach ball and feel light-headed.

"That never works, you know," Hermione muttered under her breath. I turn to glare at her, but she just took the mickey out of me, and I love it when she does that. She's also smirking meaning she did it humorously, which also means she's already forgiven for my 'vulgarity'.

"So how is work, Ron?" Luann asked as I was taking a scone.

"It's brilliant," I said. "Harry and I caught this one bad arse wizard in Knockturn Alley the other week. He was trying to sell illegal dragon eggs on the street. Can you believe it? Not too smart, that one." I paused and shoved the whole scone in my mouth, because the smell was reaching inside my nose and telling my brain to _fucking eat it already_!

"Oh, my god, that's so fucking good," I said after I swallowed and took a long drink from my lemonade, which also made me roll my eyes to the back of my head. Fuck, I love coming here, even just for the food. Her parents were also brilliant, of course.

"Ron! For goodness sake," Hermione yelled, making me almost choke on my damn drink. I didn't know what she was on about at first, and then I remembered I swore…again.

"Sorry, love. Sorry Luann, Hugo. I just really…love those scones," I said sheepishly, putting my glass down on glass top table.

"You would think," Luann said as she refilled my glass, "that after thirteen years knowing each other, six years being together, and 3 years of marriage, that you would learn not to swear in front of Hermione, Ron."

I sighed because that's not the first time we had this conversation. I can't help it that my words reach my tongue before my brain tells it to stop. Apparently, I don't possess that ability.

"And you would think after all that time that Hermione would learn to bloody deal with it," I said with a smile and took another, shorter, sip from my lemonade. I raised my eyebrows and peered over the glass at Hermione, and she's glaring at me. Not just the type of glare that said 'You're in trouble'. No, it was the type of glare that said 'I'm going to twist your bollocks off and make you eat them'. I don't quite like that glare, if you can imagine. Shit.

"Shit," I said and smacked my forehead. I heard Hugo laugh and when I looked at him I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Ron, you're a riot," he said, unfazed by the disapproving looks I was getting from the ladies. Her mum was a bit more amused than Hermione, though. Bloody Snape, if he were alive, would have been more amused than Hermione.

"That's not funny," she said and threw the rest of her scone on the table. She paused, looked down at it and picked it up again, placing it on a napkin instead. I don't know why, but I found this incredibly hilarious. Even in a bad mood, Hermione takes time to do something properly. Hugo and I looked at each other and burst into another fit of laughter.

"Now why are you laughing?" Hermione said with her arms crossed.

"Honey, relax, they're just being silly," Luann said and pushed the scone towards Hermione.

Her dad and I always have a good time, mostly at Hermione's expense, to be honest. She usually takes it pretty well, smiling and waving us off, calling us 'childish'. This time it must have been all my swearing that has done her in. One time too many, perhaps?

I cleared my throat and summoned all the times that I have talked myself out of a row with her. Fixing a serious face I turned to her and said, "I'm sorry…again. I promise I won't swear." Then I said something that I probably should have kept to myself. "Are you going to eat that?" I pointed at her ripped scone sitting neatly on her napkin. I thought about her putting it there and a smile must have escaped my lips because next thing I knew she was standing up.

"That's it. I'm leaving," she said and grabbed her handbag from the floor. I stared at her, my mouth open, shocked. Was I really that bad? Or was it that 'time of the month'?

"Hermione!" Her dad stood up as she stepped out from the table. "Don't be upset, pumpkin."

"I'm not upset with you, dad. I'll talk to you later. Thank you for lunch and everything. Mom, I'll call you, yeah?"

"Honey, please don't go," Luann said and glared at me. I sat back in my chair, my eyes wide and, for once, my mouth shut.

I looked at Hermione and she glanced at me once before she disapparated with a more than necessary loud crack.

"Bloody hell," I said.

"Is why she left," Luann said quickly, referring to what I just said. Right, the swearing. Fuck.

"Sorry, I ruined the day for you guys. I'll talk to her," I said and stood up to help Luann clear the table and took the scones back to the kitchen. I couldn't help but sigh loudly in relief when the cold frigid wind from the air conditioner hit me in the face and froze the sweat on my shirt.

"Damn, that feels good. We'll have to get one of those," I said and grabbed another scone from the pile. I thought I should probably go after Hermione. She was most likely home, fuming on the sofa, making a mental list of all the ways to prepare my bollocks for dinner.

No, I think I'll wait.

"Don't you think you should go talk to her…now?" Luann said as she opened a cabinet and pulled out a thermos and plastic container with a lid. God, I love muggles.

"Nah," I said after swallowing and reaching for another one. Holy shit, I could shag each and every scone if it wasn't so bloody inappropriate. "I learned from experience to let her cool down a bit after she gets this angry. It's saved our marriage a few times, trust me." I nodded to reassure her and she shrugged before draining the remaining lemonade into the thermos.

"What are you going to do to make it up to her this time?" Hugo asked, sitting down on a stool at the kitchen island. I leaned back against the counter and crossed my arms.

"I dunno. I reckon flowers won't do it."

"Don't you know any spells that could stop you from swearing?" Hugo said. "If that's all she's upset about and you obviously can't seem to stop, then handle it magically…right?"

I thought about this. The more I thought about it the more brilliant I thought it was. As nonchalantly as I tried to make it seem, I really do hate when Hermione is upset. It kills me to think that she is at home angry with me. Don't get me wrong, I love our small banters and silly rows, but when she gets this mad, it's never any fun.

"You're brilliant, Hugo!" I exclaimed and grabbed my wand from my pocket. "Thanks. And thank you both for today. It was lovely, really."

"Anytime, Ron. Take care of our girl. I'm sure you'll fix this," Luann said and gave me a hug. She's a sweet woman and as much as she sometimes disagrees with my mannerisms, I know she loves me with her daughter. I take that very seriously. She gave me a bag with the lemonade filled thermos and the container of scones. I gave her another hug just for that.

"I will, I promise. Don't worry. You know us, always on about something," I said and kissed her cheek.

After hugging it out with Hugo I turned on the spot and disapparated…to the library.

Sometime in the last two years Diagon Alley built a large, extensive library; not as big as the one at Hogwarts, but one big enough to find almost any book you want to borrow. I was there searching for something that can tell me how to mend my dirty, filthy mouth and get Hermione back on my side. I didn't fancy going to bed angry that night. Sleeping next to an angry Hermione was like sleeping next to a dragon with a clogged up nose, huffing and puffing all night. No, thank you.

As I browsed through the section on behavioral spell books I couldn't help but think of the many times Hermione had dragged me there since they opened. I was put out those times, but by myself I was thankful as it helped me find the section rather quickly.

"Yes," I muttered as my finger stopped on the spine of a book called "101 Ways on How to Discipline Your Out of Control Teen Witch or Wizard: Including Spells and Potions to Stop Even the Worst 'Potty Mouth'"

Perfect.

I checked it out with the library card Hermione insisted I get - again I was thankful - and disapparated once again, back home.

I apparated straight into our living room and braced myself for the glare that I knew was waiting for me on the sofa. She wasn't there. I didn't hear anything, either. Where the bloody hell was she?

"What took you so long? Scared to come home?"

I twisted around, my Auror reflexes deceiving me as I put a hand to my chest, breathing hard. "Blimey, you fucking scared me, Hermione."

She was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, wearing an apron and holding a large wooden spoon covered in red sauce. Fuck, she's already preparing bollocks spaghetti. I best drop my trousers now and let her have at them.

"What are you…making?" I said as I stealthily tucked the book under the back of my shirt.

With her chin in the air she said, "I know it's early, but I was restless so I thought I would start dinner…what is that?" She pointed at me and leaned to the side to peer around me.

"Oh, just something I picked up," I said lamely. Then the book had to fall to the floor at that precise moment. Fuck my life.

"A book? That's what took you so long? Did you get me a book?" She crossed the room, dripping sauce on the floor as she went and went to grab it from the floor.

"No," I said and picked it up, holding it against my chest. "I got it for me. Something that might help both of us, actually."

She eyed me suspiciously and said, "Give it here then." I gave it to her.

I may be an Auror, fighting baddies with the great and powerful Harry Potter and interrogating them until they peed in their pants, but my wife has a way of making me fear for my life when she glares at me like that. Just as it is my gift to know how to make her scream, I assume this is her gift.

"You can't be serious, Ron," she said and gave me back the book. She grabbed the bag of lemonade and scones and, with a roll of those big beautiful eyes, she turned and walked back to the kitchen. Why does she always have to do that? Not every idea I have is ridiculous.

I kicked off my shoes, tossing them in the corner and followed her – and the food – to the kitchen. Using my wand I cleaned up the sauce on the floor as I went. I may be daft sometimes, but a clean floor always bodes well in my favor.

"Love, just hear me out," I said and slammed the book on the counter. She stood with her back to me at the stove, stirring her sauce inside the pot. I sniffed and wrinkled my nose. I love Hermione to death, but the woman cannot cook to save her life. I think I was supposed to smell spaghetti sauce and noodles, but all I got was a strange garlicy-burnt butter smell. It didn't matter, because I will eat it and smile and tell her it was delicious just like every other time it's her turn to cook. I offered to take on the duty indefinitely as a favor, but she wasn't having it. It might be time to have a talk with my mum about cooking lessons.

"I'm listening," she said and turned around after putting the spoon on the counter. Contradicting herself, she spoke instead. "You know I really hated leaving my parents house in a huff like that. It makes me look stupid."

"You're not stupid, Hermione," I said hoping to score a point.

"I know that," she said matter-of-factly. "I said 'look'. Anyway, I was so embarrassed the way you were laughing at me. And I really wish you would stop swearing so much, especially in front of mum and dad. It's very disrespectful."

"Your dad-"

"Is just like you, Ron," she interrupted. Didn't she say she was listening? "But he's still my dad. You need to learn some manners. I did not like what you said about me having to 'bloody deal with it'. What was that about?" Her face was turning redder and her voice was escalating.

"Poor attempt at humor?"

"Urrgh! You're so infuriating!" she yelled and slapped her hands on her thighs. Her balled up fists and red angry face just didn't go well with her 'Mrs. Good Lookin' is Cookin'' apron that I bought her as a gag gift for her birthday last year.

"I'm sorry! You know how I am, Hermione. You can't get mad every single time I swear. You'll be in a state for the rest of your life."

"Not funny," she said through her teeth. Talking without moving your lips is another sign of impending wrath.

"I wasn't trying to be funny. I'm serious. That's why I got this book. Look," I said and picked it up, pointing at the words "Potty Mouth".

"You think-"

"Er, Hermione!" I pointed behind her as red sauce flew out of the pot and splattered on the wall, counter and floor.

"Oh drat!" she exclaimed and used her wand to turn off the muggle stove. I didn't think the smell could get worse, but I was very wrong. Now it smelled like burnt butter and burnt garlic, as well as another indistinguishable charcoal smell.

She opened the oven and pulled out a tray of black, charred balls. I stupidly reached down and cupped my own bollocks, patting them, thankful that they were still attached, safely tucked inside my pants.

"What were those supposed to be?" I asked, trying to sound curious instead of amused.

"This," she said with her arms flailing wildly around the kitchen, "was dinner. I give up. Call for a pizza."

And with that Hermione ripped off her sauce spattered apron that now read 'Good Cookin', and threw it on the floor. Oh, the irony.

"I'll be in the shower," she said before she stomped out of the kitchen and up the stairs, leaving me in the foul smelling mess. I walked out, took a deep clean breath, and stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

"Wait, aren't you going to clean this up?" I called after her.

Suddenly a shoe that I recognized were just on her feet, came sailing at me from the landing above, which I caught with one hand.

"You clean it!" I heard Hermione say then the bathroom door slammed.

I looked down at the blue and white trainer in my hand and shook my head, angry with myself for mucking everything up, again. I tossed it in the corner with my own trainers and set about cleaning the kitchen.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

A/N: So did you find the lemon…ade? Haha! I'm so freakin clever.

So, this was originally going to be a one-shot, but it got late into the night and I had to go to bed. I wanted to share what I have so far and this was a good place to stop. Part two will be where the M rating comes into play. Then that will be it. Only two parts, I promise!

Please review and let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

I am so glad you all liked the first half! Thank you to everyone who reviewed!

Please keep in mind that they are still the same Ron and Hermione because I will _never_ make them OOC, but for the purposes of this story they are not to be taken seriously. Please.

Warning: Lots of dirty language and words that I will never use in my other stories as this is from Ron's first person POV and I wanted to amp up the perviness. Oh, and lots 'o smut. If you don't like words d**k or p***y then I suggest you leave now. Hello, M rating!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**And I Swear**

Part 2 of 2

After a silent dinner of vegetarian pizza for Hermione (See I'm thoughtful!) and a meat lovers' pizza for me, in which I attempted to engage her in conversation and failed miserably, we were now sitting on the sofa. Hermione was reading a book about some Shakespeare bloke and I was looking through the spell book that I borrowed from the library. I was studying this one particular spell that I thought might possibly work for my case, but it was complicated, involving a long incantation and intricate wand work. It said it only lasted eight hours, so I reckoned I could do it.

I thought maybe if she saw me reading it – well, if she saw me reading at all – that it might force her to talk to me. I noticed her glance at me and the book more than once, and I knew she was dying to ask me about it, but she didn't. How far is she going to go with this, anyway? How long has she known me to be this way, swearing all the time? And _now_ she chooses to make it a big fucking deal about it?

After her shower Hermione had changed into one of her more revealing nightgowns. Since she was obviously giving me the cold shoulder I can only assume this was her way of revenge. Revenge by blue balls. It was a light pink color, soft and silky against her hardened nipples. It was also short, just above her knees with a lace trim all around it. She had one leg crossed over the other, giving me an ample amount of thigh to ogle over. She's a cruel woman, this one. She even pulled her hair up in some kind of twist so that I can see her long neck and chest; the neckline was low enough to see loads of smooth, curvy skin. It was a calculating move, wearing this in front of me knowing I couldn't just jump on her the way I wanted to; a move that I had to admit was a damn good one. Fuck, I love this woman.

So instead of my usual clearing the throat and the occasional 'aha' and 'interesting', I decided to take a different approach. I closed my book with a snap and almost grinned when I saw her flinch.

"Can I ask you something, Hermione?"

"What?"

She didn't even bother looking up from her book when she answered, the tone of her voice making the temperature in the room drop a few degrees. She was still upset. That was one question I didn't need to ask.

"I just want to get something cleared up and I was hoping you could help me," I said. I knew this would get her attention. She couldn't resist when being asked a question, especially if the person asks her in a way that implies only _she_ can answer. Hermione is a modest woman, but she will never back down from an intellectual challenge.

She closed her book and looked at me curiously out of the corner of her eye. "What do you want to know?"

"I was just wondering," I started and turned my body towards her, "exactly what it is about my swearing that's got your knickers in a twist? Because, as I recall, you do your fair bit in the bedroom and never seemed to have a huge problem about me doing it before, since we were kids, even. What gives now?"

"I love you, Ron, you know that, right?" Hermione's face softened a bit and I relaxed. At least that much had not changed. I nodded. "I love everything about you, but I honestly thought that you would grow out of throwing profanities around. I accepted it, even found it endearing for a while, but…It's only gotten worse and I'm worried about…when we have children," she said quietly.

Well, fuck. Kids…that's what this was about. I had been hounding her for the past year to have children and she kept telling me 'when we're ready' and 'it's not the right time'. And now I found out my bloody _swearing_ was putting her off this whole time?

"You've got to be kidding me," I said. "That's why you don't want kids now? Because of me? You don't think…I'll be a good father?"

"I'm not saying that!" she said quickly and I almost believed her. "I suppose I was just waiting to see if you would, I dunno…mature a bit more. I don't want our children around such bad language. It's not good for their development…I read it somewhere."

"Of course you did," I muttered, too upset to care if she heard me. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I tried telling you!" she exclaimed. "I have to tell you every time we're around Victoire or Teddy to watch your mouth."

"You don't have to tell me that! I know not to swear around bloody kids, Hermione. I'm not a fucking monster. What the fuck?"

"No, you're not, but apparently you can't go one conversation without the word 'fuck' in it, can you?" She crossed her arms and set her jaw, as if she already won this argument. Now I was the one getting upset.

I looked behind me, twisting my head around, peered into the fireplace and even ducked my head under the sofa before glaring at her. "There are no _children_ here, Hermione. I'm only talking to _you_."

"Well, it's a good thing there aren't any kids here then, isn't it?" she said then flailed her arms around and yelled, "Or they would be running around screaming 'fuck this' and 'fuck that' and 'fuckity fuck fuck' all over the place!" She sat there absolutely livid and it was all I could do not to laugh in her face. The words 'fuckity fuck fuck' replayed in my head and I had to shut my mouth tight to prevent a laugh from escaping.

"I'm going to bed. We'll talk about this tomorrow," Hermione said, shaking her head when I wouldn't answer.

"No, wait," I said, and reached out for her hand. She shook me off and without another word walked up the stairs to our room.

"Well, shit," I said to myself and for once the swear word did nothing to make me feel better. I glanced down at my book and picked it up again; turning it to the page I has earmarked and reread the instructions for the _Potty Mouth Reversal Spell_. Apparently it was a new spell, the book being written just five short years ago. I've never heard of it before - the book or the spell. If I had learned anything from Hermione over the years it was always trust a book over the internet. This knowledge was coming from an incident involving me, a wiped out credit card along with some very embarrassing charges. Needless to say I am only allowed to use the computer when she is in the room. I won't get into the details…

Anyway, I didn't see any harm in trying this spell since it _was_ found in a library, a place where Hermione gets most of the information that's stored inside that big brain of hers. What harm can come of it?

I got up and walked quietly to the stairs and listened. It was quiet, which meant she was either in bed sleeping or was reading in bed. Either way, I could picture her scantily clad, tan, soft, sexy-nightgown-covered body in our bed. It didn't feel right that I was downstairs talking my dick down from an erection and she was upstairs half naked. I had to get her on my side tonight. Tomorrow started the work week for both of us and I couldn't go the entire week with her not talking to me. Or worse, thinking that I wouldn't make a good enough father because I can't control what comes out of my mouth. If I wanted to start a family some sacrifices would have to be made.

I walked back to the living room and sat on the sofa with the book open on my lap and wand in my hand. I said the spell out loud to practice and then the wand movement. It seemed easy enough so after taking a deep breath and clearing my mind I swished my wand over my head and said, "Ostendosum nocelingua." I flicked my wrist and pointed the wand to my temple and read out loud, "Restituo perexcolo probitas pietas."

After that mouthful I sat back and waited for something to happen, to feel something change inside my head or something. Nothing felt different. My brain seemed to be working the same.

_Shit, fuck, damn, bollocks, slag's arse._ Nope, nothing.

I sighed and tossed the book on the coffee table. I looked at the clock and realized it was getting late so I turned off the lights and headed upstairs, hoping Hermione was already asleep so I can just go to bed without another row. As I climbed the stairs I mentally prepared my mind and body for at least a week's worth of shagless nights. At the landing I turned to my right, tired as all hell, exhausted from trying to talk to Hermione half the day and studying that damn spell, when my foot caught on the hallway table. Why she insisted we needed one there I had no idea. The point was I stubbed my fucking toe. I had hit my shoeless, sockless pinky toe on that damn wooden, useless table and it hurt like a bitch. Fuck!

"Jiminy cricket!"

What the fuck…was that? Was that me that just yelled? I could have sworn I yelled out 'fuck!' instead.

I shook my head to clear it and rubbed my neck. I must be bloody tired, is all.

I stopped by the linen closet and grabbed a towel before heading into the bathroom for a shower. I figured if I was going to sleep next to a half naked sexy woman who wasn't going to give it up I might as well take care of things myself.

I was in the shower, clean as a whistle and I started wanking. It was a good wank, too. It wasn't too hard to find something to wank about. Just picturing my wife's hair, bushy as fuck all, her tight arse in my hands as I pound into her wet pussy was enough to get me going. I braced one hand against the wall and thought to myself: _Oh yea, Hermione. I fucking love your wet pussy_.

Instead of _that_ coming out my mouth I heard this, "Oh yes, thinking about your moist vagina has made me quite pleased."

What the fuck!

I let go of my now lifeless dick and stood there in the shower, the now cold water running down my side, staring at the tiled wall in front of me. I was confused. I mean, right away I obviously thought about that spell I just did, but how the hell did preventing swearing turn to sounding like fucking…Percy? I could think about swearing, but it just wouldn't come out my mouth. That I could deal with, but I just sounded like a giant tampon just then and that was not fucking okay.

I shook my head and rolled my shoulders. I needed to make sure this thing was something to worry about before I started to get really bothered. I thought of saying something simple and not swear-like. I thought of saying: _Shut up, you fool!_ No swear words so it should be safe.

"Please be quiet, you whippersnapper."

Oh, my fucking god.

I covered my mouth with my hands and turned around to peek out of the shower curtain. Of course the bathroom was empty, but I just wanted to make sure no one heard me say something so utterly ridiculous. It was the strangest feeling, to think one thing and have something completely different come out of your mouth. I felt like a puppet, with someone else moving my mouth and making me talk. Bloody bizarre!

I turned off the tap and got out of the shower. After drying off I wrapped a towel around my waist and looked at myself in the mirror.

_Fuck_ "Drat."

_Shit_ "Oh, heck."

_Bollocks_ "Balderdash."

What the fuck does balderdah even mean? I can't believe this. I can see my mouth moving around these ridiculous words and I can't fucking believe it.

I groaned in frustration, knowing there was nothing I could do about it for another – I looked at the bathroom clock and groaned again – seven and a half hours. Just in time for work in the morning. At least I can count on that. First thing I planned on doing when I woke up is take that bloody book back to the bloody library.

_Dammit to hell_ "Gosh darn it to heck."

I let out a growl and yanked the bathroom door open. I stalked to the bedroom door and yanked that open, too. It was dark, but I can see Hermione was asleep, or was pretending to be asleep, as I pulled out a clean pair of pants and yanked those on. I yanked back the covers, dropped down on my back on the bed and crossed my arms, staring up at the dark ceiling.

"Are you finished making noise?" A voice came from beside me, muffled from inside the covers where Hermione's head was turned away from me.

Now, what I wanted to say, so badly and ever so sarcastically, was: _No, I was thinking of learning to play the drums right now, do you mind?_

"I'm sorry I woke you up. I'll try not to make any more noise."

Fucking hell, I can't even be sarcastic?

"Oh," she said and her head popped out from the covers and turned to me. I looked over and, in the moonlight, can see her frizzy curls around her face as she peered at me. "That's okay. I wasn't really sleeping anyway."

Well…that was interesting.

"Er…okay." I was glad when my thought matched my words…Or not, since it was bloody stupid and incoherent. I guess the spell doesn't cover that.

"Are you alright?" she asked and sat up fully, smoothing her hair back from her face. She's so bloody gorgeous it hurts to look at her sometimes, especially with her hair wild around her head and with the pale light against the side of her face.

"Not really," I said and closed my eyes briefly to hide my irritation towards my own brain. Stop fucking talking!

"Do you want to talk about our fight?"

_No_ "Sure, I would like to resolve our issues." _Shit._

Hermione stared at me for a moment then moved closer and grabbed my hand making me uncross them. I sat up next to her and stared down at our hands, clasped together, our wedding bands aligned. "I think you will make an excellent father, Ron. I do want children with you. I wouldn't have married you if I thought differently, you know that."

"Yes, I know. I want children, too," I said and she smiled. Brilliant.

"Do you think you could work on the swearing?" She had her eyes wide open, full of hope. I wanted to tell her that I would, but not to expect much because you can't undo years of practice in the art of skillfully working in words like fuck and bollocks into conversations. That's a lot to give up. I knew it sounded stupid, but I thought it was funny and that is my way: to lighten things up with humor when things got too heavy.

"I…" I tried to fight the spell so I can tell her what I really thought, like I always do. "I…can try and…will keep trying until you're happy." It was honest, but not what I wanted to say. I always want to make her happy and I will always try anything for her. My current state could be used as evidence to that fact. I felt cheated, though, as I felt I couldn't be myself anymore.

That was until Hermione kissed me, and then all principles went out the window. Her hands were in my hair and she was moaning in my mouth as her tongue swirled against mine. She pulled away and said, "I'm sorry I was acting so uptight. I'm so glad we worked it out." She kissed me again and raked her nails down my naked chest, over my nipples, making me shiver. "Make love to me."

Hell yes. Her lips were red and wet; I could feel her nipples through her silky nightgown rubbing against my chest. I ran my hands down her arms to her hips and smiled. I was seriously going to get a shag from using this blasted spell. I looked down at her body, the way she was straddling my hips, her nightgown had ridden up showing off the fact that she wore absolutely no knickers whatsoever.

"I want to make love to your beautiful body and please you so very much."

I think it's pretty obvious what I was really thinking.

"Oh, Ron," she practically purred. Next thing I knew I was flat on my back with Hermione on top of me, hands in my hair, on my shoulders, playing with my nipples. She was everywhere, the whole time her lips and tongue danced over my mouth and my chin, neck and ears. Who knew being polite in bed would make her so horny?

"Mmm, tell me how much you want me, Ron," she whispered in my ear.

I had my hands in her hair as she spoke and tightened my grip, making her gasp then moan against my neck. So she liked when I was polite, but she liked it rough at the same time? My mind was boggled. After many years making love to this woman I just now figured this shit out.

I licked my lips and reached down to grab her arse…her knickers-less arse. Oh sweet Jesus, I'm in fucking heaven.

"I want to…make love to you and make you yell my name in a very loud and clear voice because that gets me so excited."

She froze on top of me and slowly sat up to look down at my cringing face. "Really?"

"I just want to please you," I said trying to keep my face straight. "I love you." I didn't even have to think about that one.

"I love you, too," she said with a smile and kissed me sweetly on the lips. "Thank you for trying. It's sweet of you."

All I have to do is keep my mouth shut the whole time we're making love then go to bed. Then I'll be put right in the morning, and no one will be the wiser.

I flipped Hermione over on her back and finally got rid of that teasing piece of material she called pajamas. I stared down at her nude and delicious body, her hair spread out on the pillow behind her, arms up over her head. She opened her legs and I bent over between them, my hands flat on her chest between her tits. Normally I would say something incredibly sexy and manly at this point, but I didn't trust myself and this spell to open my mouth so instead I dropped my head and took her left nipple into my mouth, using my hands to squeeze her tits together. I moved to the other nipple and heard Hermione moan from over me. Her hands were in my hair, pulling then pushing me down. I knew what she wanted, but I also knew from experience that she also wanted to be teased. I usually do this with some light banter and a husky voice, but again I didn't want to risk it.

I moved down slowly, licking and kissing her ribs then her belly, rolling my tongue inside her belly button making her giggle. Finally I was face to pussy. The heat and the smell that was only Hermione, coming from between her legs, was intoxicating. I breathed in deeply and shut my eyes. My dick was hard as a rock, every once in a while hitting the bed, its sensitive tip sending shockwaves up my body.

"Frolicking sugar."

"What?" I heard Hermione say.

I told myself to shut the fuck up and dived into her instead. She cried out and her hands flew to my ears, squeezing them as I ran my tongue up and down the sides of her pink lips. She tasted so sweet and warm; better than homemade lemonade.

"Oh, god! Ron!"

I hummed into her then sucked on her lips. She yanked on my ears, squashing my nose against her clit.

"Oh yes! Fuck!"

Well at least if one of us could swear it might as well be her.

I took a quick, deep breath through my mouth and started sucking harder. I slid two fingers inside of her and suddenly I could breathe again as she let go to grab onto the sheets on either side of her. It works every time.

"Mmmm…Unnngghh…" That is my cue to quicken the pace. I moved my fingers faster while flicking my tongue on her clit, exercising my well trained muscle.

"Oh god! Oh god!"

I took my fingers out and took another breath just in time as her thighs clamped down over my ears, keeping my head in place. I tucked my hands under her arse and pulled her body down at an angle. I stopped my tongue and sucked again, open mouthed, even harder and groaned against her wet pussy. She once told me the vibrations from my mouth made her come harder. I made it a point to do it every time.

"Oh! Don't move! Don't move! Oh god! Yes! Fuck, yes!"

As if I _could_ move. I let out a long humming noise and felt her body shaking and bucking against my face. Her orgasm pulsed out of her, cum falling into my mouth that I eagerly lapped up. Then came my favorite part that I was working toward the entire time my head was between her legs. Her heart was beating on my tongue through her pussy and I felt like she was inside of me. It is the most incredibly fucktastic sensation I have ever had and I will never tire of it. Her orgasm had rendered her speechless for a few long seconds before she dropped onto the bed, finally releasing me from her warm, wet folds.

I sat back on my heels immediately taking in deep breaths, panting from lack of air, and wiped my face with the back of my hand. My head was spinning, but it was worth the sight in front of me. Hermione had her hands between her legs, fingers touching her swollen clit, making her body jump as she let out a gasp. She always told me not to touch her there afterward because it was too sensitive. When I asked her why she did it then, she said it was because she knew her body and wanted to make herself feel those tiny bursts of 'electricity' that could only happen after a strong orgasm. Whatever the hell that meant. I didn't care, because watching her touch herself was dead sexy.

As I watched her turn on her side and smile into my pillow I quickly rid myself of my pants, throwing them to the floor. My breathing now regulated, I climbed over her sweaty, naked body, my still-hard dick trailing up the side of her leg.

"You and your vagina are extremely slippery tonight. I hope you found my efforts satisfying." I kissed her shoulder and I rolled my eyes when she couldn't see my face.

She turned over onto her back and I moved to settle between her legs. Her hair was dark around her face, sweat making it stick to her skin. I reached up and smoothed her hair back and ran my hands down her cheeks to her neck.

"Very," Hermione said then licked her lips. She moved under me and I could feel the hairs on her mound rubbing against my dick as it slid between her swollen lips. "I have to say, I'm surprised at how well behaved you've been so far. By now I would have heard at least five swear words. There may be hope for you yet." Her nails going down my back made my body shudder, but her words made my heart clench. I felt like I was deceiving her, which I was. I knew if I tried to tell her the words would not come out right. For some reason this spell was doing all the right things to play to Hermione's urges and while I felt guilty, I was still horny as fuck. The tip of my erection was at her opening and with one push I was inside. Her warmth spread around me like a blanket on a cold day. I moaned loudly and bit my lip hard to prevent myself from saying anything barmy.

Hermione gasped and brought her knees up to my waist and locked her ankles against the small of my back, pushing me deeper inside.

"Oh sweet Buddha on a bun!"

"What!" Hermione yelled then started laughing. I opened my eyes and looked down at her. Her expression was disbelief mixed with hilarity. I just shrugged and started moving my hips slowly, hoping to distract her. Her eyes fluttered closed and her fingers gripped my shoulders. Nice.

"Mmm you're so hard, so deep. Does it feel good?" she asked as I bent down to kiss her neck. I kept the pace as I thought how bloody fucking brilliant I felt, but I didn't dare move my lips away from her skin in case they started flapping on their own again.

"Mmmhmm," I moaned into her neck and sucked on her skin. She laughed quietly and kissed my shoulder. Her hands were on my back then slid to my arse and smacked it. Hermione smacked my arse.

"Gee whiz!" I cried out, against my will.

She laughed again. I quickly moved my mouth and trapped her in a searing kiss. She immediately reciprocated, panting into my mouth and biting my lip. I bit her lip back and squeezed her tits in my hands.

I groaned with desire as I moved even faster inside of her. The friction of her walls wrapped around my dick was mounting, as was my orgasm. I could feel it getting stronger the faster I went. I knew she could feel it too because she started moving her hips up from the bed as I descended, meeting hard in the middle. I grabbed under her thighs and pulled her legs from around my waist. Pulling away from the kiss I sat back on my feet. As I continued to move inside her, I placed her ankles on my shoulders then held her by the hips, leaning over to stare at my hard dick sliding in and out. I looked up and saw Hermione watching me with her hands kneading her tits. I bit my lip and growled out my frustration and yearning. My thumb moved to her clit and rubbed gently as I slammed into her at an angle.

"Ooooh…yeeeaahhh," she said as her legs bounced against my shoulders and she held her tits in place. I grunted and moaned as I could feel myself about to bust any second. I rubbed my thumb harder until I felt the hard beating of her pending orgasm drumming against it.

She cried out as her second orgasm shook her core and I finally let go, pumping and spilling into her in rapid succession. When I felt the last of what felt like my entire insides being ejected out of my body I pulled out with a loud gasping groan and rolled over onto the bed next to Hermione.

"Mother loving cheese on a biscuit."

Dammit to fuck! I groaned and wiped my face vigorously with my hands.

"Mmmm…You're so funny tonight, Ron," Hermione said with a dream-like quality to her voice. I loved hearing her talk after we make love. She sounded so unlike her usual self. Not that I don't like her normal voice, but there was something about post-shag Hermione that was so endearing, cute and dead sexy.

I looked over at her and smiled. Her walls were down and her body moved like a feline, stretching and coiling into a ball with a smirk no her face. It was always a good thing I was exhausted during these times or else I would have to go another round. I don't think my body could handle that.

I was hot, sweating and completely spent. I didn't have control over anything after leaving a part of myself inside of her. I opened my eyes wide and stared at the ceiling, frozen in shock. I came…inside of her. Inside. Fuck!

"Hermione?"

"Yeah?" She rolled into my side and burrowed her face into my neck. I instinctively wrapped my arm around her shoulders and tucked her in closer.

"Are you aware of the fact that…we failed to use contraception?" That was difficult to get out, but I got my meaning across, I think.

"I know," she said and I could feel her smile before she kissed below my ear. Her hair was tickling my nose and I blew it away impatiently.

"Hermione, I-"

"Don't worry," she said and propped herself up with her elbow to look at me. She smiled and said, "It might not happen tonight, but I promise it will soon. We'll just keep trying."

I stared at her, incredulous. "Do you mean to say-"

She nodded. "I'm ready. Let's have a baby." Before I could say anything else she cupped my cheek and kissed my lips. With her eyes twinkling she said, "And I know what spell you used. It showed me how much you're willing to try for us and I love you for it, but…I miss my Ron. Swearing and all. Just not around my parents…and the baby, alright?"

I nodded, still in shock. Hermione knew…the whole time. Of course she knew! How dumb of me to think there was a spell Hermione didn't know or wouldn't recognize. And she wasn't even angry with me. She said she wanted a baby! Bloody hell, I love her.

She snorted and shook her head at my gobsmacked face. "I mean, honestly Ron." She rolled her eyes and grabbed the blanket, covering us both before nestling into me once more. "We'll talk more in the morning, when it wears off."

"You're amazing, you are," I said. I didn't need the stupid spell to say _that_.

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A/N: Well, that's it, folks! I had a lot of fun thinking of replacement swear words for this story. My personal favorite: "Mother loving cheese on a biscuit."

I want to blame…I mean _thank_ KariAnn1222 for encouraging me to go through with this barmy idea. You are awesome!

I hope you all found it as funny and as silly as I did while writing it. Thanks for reading and please review!


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